I haven’t done a lot of writing lately. I haven’t done a lot of anything lately. Except eating. I’m up 6 pounds in a month.
To my credit, I’ve done a lot more walking, jogging, and general work-out type things. But when you eat (and drink – *sigh* – damn you, Coors Light!) too much, working out doesn’t always help. Clearly not in my case.
I’m an emotional eater. A binger. I probably always have been. And sure, I’ve gone through my stages of both anorexic and bulimic behaviors, but primarily, I’m a binger. If I’m sad, stressed, angry…I eat. If I feel like I made it through the day…I eat. Eating has been a comfort my entire life. I’m emotionally…stunted, or something. I don’t verbalize much anymore. I’ve always been afraid of being a burden to my friends…eventually I realized that I was. I’m depressed, manic, anxious, panicky…blah, blah, blah. Same shit different day. No one wants to hear that crap.
18000+ tweets that I’ve posted about stupid BS have proven that to me. Heehee.
People want fun and good times. They want smiles and laughter. People ask, “How are you?” My most common answer is, “Can’t complain. Well, I could, but no one would listen…” (insert laughter here)
There’s only a handful of people that I feel I can truly share with. Or feel at least somewhat comfortable doing so. But, I still don’t do it that much.
Ain’t no problem that a big bowl of pasta can’t fix. Or half a box of Cheerios. Or an entire sleeve of crackers and entire pack of Laughing Cow wedges.
It’s embarrassing. Gross. Shameful. 90% of my self esteem is wrapped up in my looks/weight. And yet, so much of my behavior is counter-productive. I hate myself! I’m ugly! I’m fat! Let me eat ALL THE FOOD and make the problem even worse!
Logic. I got tons of it. Clearly.
I did not binge.
Sounds dumb, but I’ll take my little victories where I can.
Today was particularly stressful at work. I could have come home and eaten…4 servings of pasta – easily. Instead, I cooked. Odd, I know. But I chopped onions and peppers, added them to diced tomatoes and mushrooms and made sauce. It was very relaxing. I made some pasta, but only had a little over 1 cup of it. The other cup of pasta is coming with me to work tomorrow – covered in my sauce. Which, other than the olive oil that I sauteed the onions in, just veggies and spices. HEALTHY. A little sprinkle of parmesan. Not a mountain of it.
I honestly don’t know how to rid myself of my disorder. I suppose I can only just go day by day and hope to make the best decisions and choices that I can.
It’s now 8pm. Since I did not binge, my belly is a little grumbly. There’s a feeling of NOT ENOUGH in my tummy. How much of it is in my head, though? Usually I come home from work, on auto-pilot, and just eat, right away. Today, I didn’t. I waited. I cooked. I watched a little TV. I distracted myself from the weird feeling of OH MY GOD EAT ALL THE FOOD NOW, BECAUSE IT MIGHT DISAPPEAR!
Which is such a ridiculous panic.
Is all the pasta just going to mysteriously vanish off the face of the earth? Last I checked, the shelves at Vons were stocked. $1 a box – any type – linguini, ziti, angel hair. And honestly, if I don’t eat Pad Thai today, will I never get the chance to eat it again? Considering there’s a number of good Thai places within walking distance (and several others that deliver), I’m pretty sure that I can have it when I want.
I made it through today. I did not give in to the ridiculous panic or misguided cravings.
I did not binge today.