If at first you don’t succeed…

Back to the drawing board, I guess.

I’m currently about 5 days off of the Prozac.  The reason that I’m no longer on it, is because the side effects became nearly intolerable.  The lethargy still comes and goes, but that wasn’t the worst part.  The sleepwalking episodes seemed to stop, but they were bothersome enough for me to bring it up as a concern to my shrink. The teeth/jaw clenching has increased to the point that I feel like my teeth have moved.  As if I now needed braces or a retainer or something.  And they hurt all the time.  I also ended up developing really bad Restless Leg Syndrome.  I think that I’ve always had it to a certain extent, but it got 1000% worse.  Jittering and jiggling my legs at work, sitting on the couch, in restaurants, at my desk at work, in bed trying to fall asleep.  To the point where I got charley horses in my calves.  And I haven’t been really working out much lately, so I KNOW it’s not that.  Trust me.

I called my shrink and left her a message about this.  She called me back (OMG, that in itself floored me!) and told me that since I haven’t been on the Prozac for that long, it’s okay for me to go off of it.  It’s safe to do so.  I have an appointment with her in a few weeks, so at that point, I guess we’ll figure out Plan B.

Or Plan Q, I guess, since I’ve been on and off so many meds over the years.

I’ve been battling this (depression, anxiety, blah blah blah) for TWENTY YEARS.  Over half of my life.  It fucking sucks.  The trial and error of doctors, meds and therapists is insane.  Disheartening every time that I have to start over.  I continue to pick myself back up, dust myself off and try again.  Because, hey, what else can I do, right?  Gotta keep pluggin’ along.

 

 

If you do not have to deal with this (or anything like it), be thankful.  If you have never had to struggle to dig yourself out of the black hole of despair.  If you have never been terrified to leave the house, or terrified to do ANYTHING really.  If you’ve never felt the terrorizing pain in your chest, and lightning-like electricity through your veins.  If you’ve never hated yourself so much that you binge, purge and starve yourself beautiful.  If you have never felt so unworthy that you needed to carve it into your skin, and bleed yourself free of your shortcomings.  If you’ve never been so scared to die, but had no desire to live.  If you’ve never had it dismissed, time and again (“Oh, she’s just OVERSENSITIVE”), but in the next breath had it thrown in your face (“Why can’t you just get over it?”/”I’m sick of taking care of a baby!”)

If you’ve never felt this kind of pain…be motherfucking THANKFUL.

5 days off the Prozac, and I’m doing okay.  I’m busy these days.  Busy with social obligations, busy at work…busy living.  Doin’ my thang…you know how I do!   There’s some good stuff (hopefully *fingers crossed*) coming up on the horizon.  So…I’ve got things to occupy my time and my mind.  I’ll be fine until my next appointment with my therapist, and next appointment with the shrink.

It’s cool.  Totally.

Just fuckin’ frustrating.

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About meredithelaine

thirty-something. karaoke diva. just trying to get by.
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