I sing because I’m happy…

Just putting some thoughts down.

The appointment with my new shrink went well.  She’s very quiet, but listened and explained things to me.  For now, we’re mainly working on the Depression, aka “Major depressive affective disorder recurrent episode severe degree without psychotic behavior”.  I won’t lie, the “without psychotic behavior” makes me giggle.  Like I should automatically make some comment or joke, like “well, at least there’s THAT,” or “well, the doctor clearly hasn’t seen me at the end of a night out!”  HARDY HAR HAR.

The secondary thing we’re working on is the ADD. For now.  Unfortunately, I can’t go back on Adderall for this, because of the fact that it’s a stimulant (as, apparently, most ADD medications are).  Since I already have high blood pressure, this is risky.  My BP is currently controlled by medication, but to go on Adderall or anything like that, I’d have to monitor my BP constantly, get special permission from my primary doctor, etc.  And let’s face it: I don’t have the attention span for all that work. HA! See what I did there?

So, the answer, for now, is Prozac.  Oddly, one of the few medications that I’ve NEVER been on before.  My doctor says that it can help a little bit with my ADD, so that’s good.  As I was reading the additional info about Prozac, I found out that it can help decrease appetite (JACKPOT!!) and it is apparently used for treatment of OCD and Bulimia.  So, who knows – perhaps this is the miracle cure for all that ails me!

We shall see.  After all, I am only on Day 4.  So far, so good.  I’m not nearly as snippy/huffy at work and my mood has definitely improved overall.  I’ve had a couple bouts of light-headedness and nausea, which is a pain.  However, I think that I experienced that with almost every other drug I went on, at the very beginning.  From what I remember, it usually dissipates after a few weeks.  So I’m trying to hang in there as best I can.

It’s just hard, because it is late August here in Southern California, which means that it is hot outside.  I don’t have A/C in my apartment (and haven’t in any of the places that I’ve lived at out here), and that is really, really tough.  I usually spend the late summer in a constant state of sweaty, nauseous misery.

This weekend has been especially sucktastic.

Speaking of this weekend – how about that hurricane, huh?  Oh, Irene.  Lordy.  I was on pins and needles.  Having friends and family in NJ, NY, PA, as well as Virginia Beach and the Outer Banks – I was so, so nervous.  Luckily, it looks like the damage that people I know have sustained has been minimal.

And then I saw THIS during the coverage of Hurricane Irene:

I was just like…REALLY?  Fucking idiots.

Meanwhile, you know the folks at The Weather Channel were STOKED.  This was their moment of glory!  Bust out your finest salmon-colored silk shirts and snappy ties, folks – it’s GO TIME!  The meteorology geeks were ready to fire up all their newest mapping, tracking, doppler radar shit.  Oh yeahhhhhhh.

The poor reporters out in the field, though…

I was nearly screaming at the TV at this guy.  SERIOUSLY.  Being right on the OBX during the storm can NOT be wise.

Oh, Jim Cantore. Honestly, I was a dorky, dorky child who watched The Weather Channel WAY TOO MUCH.  I think Jim has been with TWC since the channel began.

What is THIS madness??? Is this, like, fuckin’ Weather Channel CRIBS or something???  Good lordy, Jim.  No one on the corner has swagga like you, sir.

So:  this coming week, I head up to Los Angeles to audition for The Voice.  Eric and I are both auditioning, sadly, on different days.  I don’t even know if we can attend the auditions together.  That would totally suck if we couldn’t.  Otherwise, I’m going to be stuck in Los Angeles, alone and terrified.  I have no sense of direction, and I really HATE Los Angeles.  The few times I’ve been there, I just have not really enjoyed it.  Too much.  Kinda like New York – in a different way, though.  I never liked NYC either – overwhelming.

SIGH.

I don’t know how I’m feeling about auditioning.  I’m almost like, why on earth am I even doing this?  Like, seriously.  I honestly don’t think anything will come of it.  And sure, it’d be great to say, “oh yeah, I was there,” but…eh?  I could just do my usual thing.  Go to work, do payroll, go to Tuesday Night Dinner, watch TV…SIGH.  I mean, I auditioned for Star Search back in 2003, when they brought that back for a hot second.  Yeahhh, I didn’t make it, obviously.  I was never in the age range for American Idol, so that was a no-go.  I just feel…foolish.  Dumb that I’m even doing this.  Geez, Mer.  Go to work and do your job, come home and clean the house.

Silly little dreams like this…they’re meant for other people.  Not me.

So I’m conflicted about even going.  I just…don’t know.  I’m almost defeated about it.  Wake up super-early, drive 2 hours to this city I don’t even like, to take a chance on something that is 99.44% NOT going to happen. Ehhhhhhhh.

Right now, I just wish I wasn’t feeling so nauseous.  Bedtime soon.

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About meredithelaine

thirty-something. karaoke diva. just trying to get by.
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One Response to I sing because I’m happy…

  1. plume says:

    Ooh good luck with the Voice! That would be awesome to see you on there. And even if you don’t make it on air, I still think it’s cool that you’re trying. What do you have to lose? What are you more likely to look back on with regret, trying or not trying?
    Knock ’em dead!

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