Or talking to myself. Same difference, I suppose. I can tweet, facebook and blog to my heart’s (dis)content, but the chance that anybody fucking cares – slim to none.
Some care, and I know who you are. I think. I hope. But honestly, I also know that I’m boring, I ramble on about stupid shit that no one cares about, I whine alot, and I’m sad alot. That doesn’t really bode for rabid readership, or rabid friendship, for that matter.
Though, having rabid friends…probably not the greatest idea.
My brain, it digresses in the weirdest ways, and in ways that, most likely, only I understand.
I used to form strong kinships in the early days of online diaries and blogging. And now…not so much.
Even in real-life, sometimes.
I dont think that people just outwardly don’t like me. I think that many do. But probably a lot of them don’t completely get me and what’s going on in my head.
I don’t have jack shit in common with most people. I’m not worldly and I’m trapped in my head a lot. I can’t carry on conversations most mid-30s types do (I assume). I’m sad, and I obsess on certain things (my weight, making sure certain electronics are unplugged before I leave the house). Due to…whatever it is going on up there in my noggin…I don’t have a lot much room to handle much else.
That’s my SUPER SCIENTIFIC EXPLANATION.
My brain is just an explosion of “BE A GOOD WORKER BEE” – “DID I UNPLUG THE FLAT IRON” – “CHORES” – “PANIC IN TRAFFIC, TRYING TO GET HOME IN TIME TO GET IN A GOOD WORKOUT ON A NON-SHITTY PIECE OF EQUIPMENT” – “OH HEY, YOU’RE STILL IN DEBT” – “WORKWORKWORK” – “CLEAN THE HOUSE” – “LEARN HOW TO COOK” – “YOU DO REMEMBER HOW TO BE SOCIAL, DON’T YOU?”- “UGLYUGLYUGLY” – “FATFATFAT”-“DO I HAVE EVERYTHING I NEED IN MY PURSE?” – “BE THE BEST POSSIBLE EMPLOYEE EVER” – “BE THE BEST POSSIBLE WIFE EVER” – “BE THE BEST POSSIBLE FRIEND EVER”…
It’s like my brain is a Magic Bullet, swirling all these thoughts together continually. It hurts.
So there’s not really room for much else that already up there churning away in my dome. My brain prioritizes all my ADD and OCD things makes a list based on scale of importance. Learning to cook and taking care of the house as best as I can for my husband – those are among the top priorities. Working out/Dieting – also up there. Doing a good job at work – that’s definitely high up. Being a better friend to people – that too.
SIGH. They’re all pretty high priority. Sometimes they fight for dominance, sometimes they actually coexist.
And sometimes…you just take an Ambien and try and shut it all down for a night, so that you can REST. Sleep sounds really good right now. I don’t sleep nearly enough, or as well enough as I should. Too busy thinking and preparing for what I need to do next!