I wanna be a billionaire, so fuckin’ bad…

My mind is spinning, like usual. Well not like usual.  I spent most of this afternoon feeling lightheaded and migraine-ish.  Had two invites for social-type-things this evening, and turned them both down, in the end.  I worked a 10 hour day, and didn’t sleep well last night.  Found out that one of my company’s divisions wants me to assist with some stuff, which means…yep, more shit piled on top of me.

Once they told me this, I immediately popped a Xanax.

Eric has been suggesting that I look for another job.  Or ask for an assistant.

The problem is, that if I look for another job, something with…less responsibilities, in an effort to improve my work/life balance, I’d have to take a hefty pay cut.  With the amount of personal debt I’m in, and with Eric and I wanting to move into a slightly larger apartment…that’s just not going to fly.

And the problem with getting an assistant is that, currently, there’s not enough for an assistant to do.  I’m doing the work of slightly less than 2 people.  Also, if I were to get an assistant, that means I have to progress in my field.  Which honestly, I don’t want to do.  I will work my ass off and do what I need to do to get by and make the money that I need to make – but I am already too obsessed over my job, constantly worrying and checking messages afterhours.  Not that I’m terribly important in the cosmic scheme of things, but I certainly don’t want to be MORE important.  There’s no fun in that at all.  Just more stress, panic attacks…

I have had chest pains for almost 2 weeks now.  Not continual, but relatively often.  Tightness.  Part heartburn/acid-reflux, I’m sure, but also part stress.  I’m already on high-blood pressure medication.  I’m convinced I’m going to die before I’m 40.

So, I’m just caught between a rock and a hard place right now.  I want to have more fun.  I want to relax.  I want to be able to hang out with friends during the week without dreading the next day.

I’m trying to get back into working out more.  Granted, I’m semi-half-assing it, but that’s better than completely-non-assing it, right? (Does that statement even make sense?)  I’m working on cooking and making better eating choices.  Except for, perhaps, the baked ziti I made last night.  Totally not healthy, totally cheesealicious, and totally not bad for a first try.

I like to prove that I’m worthy.  Worthy of your time, worthy of your love. I know I always come up short.  I have charts in the house – one is a list of weekly chores, that I check off as they are completed.  Now I have a new chart, for my weekly workout progress and fitness goals.

Even if the food that I cook sucks, the house is still a disorganized mess, I’m a workaholic stress-case, and I’m still a fat ugly cow, I want it to be known that I’m TRYING.

I hate what I see in the mirror.  I look tired, haggard, pale and fat.  Something’s got to change, you know?  I am just trapped, at the moment.

 

But…

I may have…well, pre-registered, I guess, for Season 2 auditions of The Voice.  Not just a sign-up for emails…I even was able to include a clip.  Mine’s a very blurry video of me singing at a karaoke contest…2 years ago, I believe?  I mean, not that anything is totally going to come of it…but…it’s worth a try, right?

 

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About meredithelaine

thirty-something. karaoke diva. just trying to get by.
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