And this is where I commence to freak the fuck out. We’re just a tad over 3 weeks away from the big day, and pretty much everything is set. Vendors are booked, orders have been made…seriously, we’re good. But I am intensely panicking. Maybe for no reason, maybe for a thousand reasons.
I’ve finally started going back to the gym. I haven’t tried on my dress since it’s been altered back in October. Apparently I lost some weight over the holidays, but I live in fear that the dress won’t fit. I live in fear that I will look hideous. It’s funny, Eric and I were talking about the wedding pictures, because we have to put a list together of what pictures we want taken – in terms of the formal shots. My answer was: “As long as I don’t look fat, I’m good.”
Which, when I think about it, is kinda fucked up. But then again, that’s me.
As I’ve mentioned in the past, my biggest critic, I think, is myself. I honestly don’t give a fuck who is fat or who isn’t…unless it’s me. Struggling with my weight since I was a kid, it’s inevitable. And I’m just terrified that I’m going to somehow look absolutely hideous on the most important day of my life. I don’t want to be that disappointment. I don’t want people looking at me, the BRIDE, and thinking, “Well, she looks okay…”
I should have tried harder, I should have made more progress. I’ve lost some weight, but not nearly enough. There are a thousand meals I should not have eaten, a thousand times I shouldn’t have gone out, but I did. I shouldn’t have slacked off at the gym. I should have sacrificed more and done more. I’m beating myself up over this.
That’s not my only concern, of course. I’m terrified that my wedding will bomb. I should know, that with all the people who will be there, and who are helping me out…it’s going to be awesome. But I’ve been to many weddings over the years, and they’ve been AWESOME. My wedding is not going to be fancy or frou-frou. That was never the plan. It’s supposed to be FUN. A celebration of life and laughter and friends and LOVE.
But DAMN if I don’t want it to be GOOD, you know?
My mom sent me an email today, saying how proud of me she was during this whole wedding planning thing. I’ve been mindful of the budget, trying to cut corners where I can, thinking of other people and not just myself…basically not being a Bridezilla. I’m trying very hard to be easy-breezy, but it’s hard. I have a vague timeline for the reception. But I don’t know if I need to, or WANT to, micromanage it to the very minute. My timeline is more like, “OK, Part A is going to happen from 7-9 and at some point, there will be some cake cutting, and garter throwing and whatnot.”
Is that even OKAY? Can someone remind me to do these things? I don’t want the reception to lag, and I sure as hell don’t want people to be bored or waiting around for stuff to happen. But I seriously have no idea how to orchestrate it all. Do I even need to? Can someone please come up to me and say, “Hey Mer, you might want to be cutting some cake right about now.”
No, really, I’m asking seriously if someone can do that for me. Someone with a good intuition or sense of timing.
Am I freaking out over nothing? I just want it to be good. I want it to be an awesome day. For everyone!
I really can’t wait to be Eric’s wife. I can’t wait for the honeymoon!
I can’t wait to start our new life together.
Let’s get the show on the road! Let’s do this!