Screw that chick who’s an actress on that show. I deserve the fucking Emmy.

Today on Facebook, I made a post about how I felt like the woman in the commercial where she feels like a wind-up doll that just keeps needing to be re-wound.

You know, THIS one.

And I got two comments saying how I’m totally the OPPOSITE of depression.  Which certainly cheered me up to read those kinds of comments.  And it also just re-affirmed that I’m doing an excellent job at keeping (some) people fooled.

I’ve been suffering from depression (and other ailments, truth be told), since I was 16.  Well, officially diagnosed for the first time at 16, anyway.  I was on and off various meds from 2000-2007, when it just got too expensive.  Now I take the occasional Xanax for anxiety, but it seems like everyone does that these days.

I’m such a good actress.  I can fake a smile like a pro.  Nothing’s wrong, no not at all.

I’ve gotten so terrified of being a burden on people, that I’d rather hide it and deal in silence.  The few people that I’ve let in tell me that I can lean on them…but I cannot.  I’ve had people get sick of my leaning.  Or whining, as it were.

So I hold a lot in.  I suck it up and deal.  Plus a lot of it is so hard to articulate; I wouldn’t even know how to explain.  And so it’s all very…tiring.

I was thinking about this today – how can people actually want to DO things during the week?  I get the occasional invites to dinner, or just to hang out at someone’s house, etc.  The only nights that I will freely even allow myself to be social are Thursday, Friday and Saturday.  Sunday – Wednesday, I want to SLEEP.  I am somewhat surprised that other people aren’t like this.  Doesn’t everyone want to go to bed by 9pm during the week?  I’m tired ALL THE TIME.

Most weeknights, the only thing I’ll leave the house for is to go to the gym.  And that’s because I can walk there, and because I feel guilty if I don’t.  Even if I’m sick, I’m 99.44% sure to go.  Tonight, I may not go, because I’ve been nauseous all day.  And I’ll feel terrible about not going.  Because I’m afraid that if I don’t go, I’ll gain 10 pounds over night.

But, I digress.  I don’t do at least 75% of the things that I’m invited to do because I am damn tired.  And I think that people are crazy for wanting to be social on a “school night”.   I’m at work most days between 700-715am.  I don’t sleep well as a general rule, so the earlier I go to bed, the more chances I had of catching a few hours here and there.

It is occurring to me that not everyone has these problems, do they.

I don’t have a lot of “fun” in my life.  I mostly work, work out, and worry.   Leisure activities, or social calls…eh.  Most of the time, when faced with these, I’m realizing that I’d rather sleep.  I don’t get enough of it.  I’m tired.  I don’t feel well.  I’m going to have a long, stressful day at work tomorrow.

I’m sad, tired and apathetic a lot.  But as long as most people don’t know, that’s all that matters.

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About meredithelaine

thirty-something. karaoke diva. just trying to get by.
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2 Responses to Screw that chick who’s an actress on that show. I deserve the fucking Emmy.

  1. Tobeylee says:

    Oh Mer, sometimes I wonder if you are a figment of my imagination because you so obviously live in my head….Seriously, My thoughts exactly….But you knew this :p Love You!

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