I was wondering maybe…

I know that I should be posting about the Epic Karaoke Battle, but that just ain’t gonna happen today.  I’ve got so much on my mind.

If the “Quarter-Life Crisis” occurs when you’re 25, what happens when you’re 35?  A “One-Third-Life Crisis”?  I find myself at an odd crossroads, as I rapidly approach that not-so-magic number.

I remember when life used to be the thrill of the chase, and living for that endless stream of music.  Cover bands to festivals to stadium rock to techno beats.  One never-ending summer party.

Then it all changed.  I started to worry, worry, worry.  Now it’s debt and blood pressure and OMG my biological clock and not feeling NEARLY up to par as the rest of you.  It’s losing touch and losing grip.  401Ks and will I ever be able to buy a house.

Fuck this.  Somebody get me a beer.

I never did TRULY rebel.  Anyone who knows me from long ago knows that I was a goody-two-shoes.   A people pleaser, too overly concerned about what others thought of me.  Never wanting to disappoint Mommy and Daddy…or anyone else for that matter.

I spent much too much of my life being afraid, being cautious, being “good”.  And that’s probably the biggest regret in my life.  Caring too much and giving a damn. Now I’m almost 35.  Being “good”, in the cosmic scheme of things, got me no where.  I’m no further ahead than anyone who did more “bad” things that I did.  I didn’t win some big prize for being Miss Congeniality.

There’s so much more I want to say about this, but I probably shouldn’t.

Trying to fight off a binge episode right now.  I’m over my calories for the day, but not by much.  But I’m having a really tough day and I just want this feeling to go away.  I want to be numb.  I hate feeling like a failure in every aspect of my life.  I feel so alone right now.

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About meredithelaine

thirty-something. karaoke diva. just trying to get by.
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