You’d think that Halloween is awesome for a fat chick.

Halloween gives me the creeps.  And not in an “Oooooh…spoooooky” kind of way.  More like a “Oh hell, I have to deal with this shit again?”  Ever since I had an itchy clown wig yanked onto my head at age 4 (ugh, I HATE clowns), I’ve associated Halloween with torture.  Or perhaps it was the recycling of my (10 years older than me) sister’s mouse costume into a bunny costume for me.  Or maybe it was when my uncle made me into a HERSHEY bar – good god.  Great idea for the fat kid, thaaaaaaanks.  

It’s only gotten worse over time.  As my weight has climbed, and my self-esteem has plummeted, every single picture I see with me in it is met with tears.  The weight I’ve gained…I don’t carry well AT ALL.  I feel like I look like a freakin’ FOOL on a daily basis.  I struggle to make myself somewhat presentable for the world to see. 

So WHY ON EARTH would I want to make it worse by putting on some ill-fitting, half-assed costume?

I’m really not creative or crafty enough do throw together some cute DIY outfit. I know people who pretty much kick ass at it, but not me.  I’m really just bad at it. The best costume I was able to pull together was a “sexy” school girl, a la Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” video (sorta).  I had a white shirt, a plaid skirt and loafers already.  All I needed were knee-socks, a giant lollipop, and to throw my long (at the time) hair in pigtails.  Easy, and cute.  Le sigh.  But that was 9 years ago, and about 50 pounds ago.  I can’t pull that shit off now.

I certainly don’t have the body for most ready-to-wear costumes out there.  Nor do I have the budget.  Costumes are pricey!  And to only wear it one day, it just doesn’t seem worth it to me.  Sorry, I’d rather spend the $50+ on gas for my car, lip gloss, eyeliner, beer and Lean Cuisine frozen dinners.

Last year, I literally hid and did not go out on Halloween.  There were parties o’plenty and festivities going on at the bar, and I stayed home and went to be early.  Why?  I didn’t have a costume, and didn’t want to incur the wrath of “Why didn’t you get dressed up??!?!?”  I find myself thinking I’ll probably have to do the same thing this year.  It’s just not fun for me. I’m not comfortable with it.  Surrounded by lithe fairies, fabulous drag queens, bodacious geishas and groovy hippies, I felt sloppy and ugly.  No different from my everyday life, really.  Except if no one can figure out my costume.  That’s happened before. 

So then I’m sloppy, ugly AND bad at Halloween.  AWESOME.

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About meredithelaine

thirty-something. karaoke diva. just trying to get by.
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13 Responses to You’d think that Halloween is awesome for a fat chick.

  1. Aboynamedart says:

    You could always add some glasses and an American flag to a work outfit and say you’re Sarah Palin!

    • meredithelaine says:

      Even if I did actually own a classy business suit (ah the joy of having a super-casual office), I don’t know if I could actually go that far, Art. 🙂

  2. Becca says:

    LOL…Halloween sucks….although when your kids are excited it makes it bareable. I am thinking all black with kitty ears and a tail. Paint nose pink, long lashes and black nail polish. Voila (or however you spell) instant black cat…or all black and a witches hat. Dressing up sucks.

    • meredithelaine says:

      Totally, Bec. Kids make all the difference. We have a bunch of adorable kids in our complex, so I’m kinda excited to see what they dress up as. 🙂

      You in a kitty outfit = SEXXXXAAAYYYYYY.

      Miss you much. Like Janet Jackson. 🙂

  3. writerwriting says:

    I offer the most bad-ass proof that you can be fat, hot, and costumed on Halloween: http://www.flickr.com/photos/77367764@N00/1471513513/

    😀

  4. Erica says:

    Totally agree on Halloween being no fun for fat chicks. In recent years, I have embraced it. Or at least dazzled them with enough cleavage that I feel like I may have gotten away with something (thank you St. Pauli girl costume!)

    A year or so ago I went as “White Trash.” I wore a robe, a housecoat, slippers, rollers in my hair and a mud mask. I carried really cheap beer. Not only was I comfortable, but my hair and skin looked wonderful in the morning.

    • meredithelaine says:

      OMG, I totally need to get a St. Pauli girl costume! Or a pirate-y-beer-wench-y kinda thing.

      Your White Trash costume reminds me of when I went to a 70s-theme birthday party and I totally rocked the Mrs. Roper outfit – mumu, big floppy hat, etc. I left the party and headed to the bar, and a random dude complemented me on my fabulous sense of style. It didn’t come across as sarcastic – I think he was actually being serious. WEIRD.

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