Eric was working on a song the other day, and played for me the beat he was creating. It was a bit aggressive and I loved it. I kept saying “I’m gonna fuck you up!” because the beat just seemed to lend itself to something angry like that.
Alas, no. Eric’s song was not an anthem for the thoroughly pissed off. Which made me think that perhaps, I should write my own. Interesting perspective, because I am known, in my circle of friends and acquaintances, as being really, really NICE. I’m the person that everyone likes. Except for that one guy in the bar, I don’t know what his deal is.
I’ve always had a fear of confrontation, I’ve always had a fear of having people be mad at me. So I smile. I stuff a lot inside of me. Stupid trivial shit, hidden deep to fester and eat away at me.
I’ve learned very recently that I have a lot of anger inside of me. I’m sure it has many points of origination, but it never sees the light of day. The harshest I get with people is being “irritated” – followed by a quick apology for being so.
But these days I find even little things setting off a flame of anger in me. I continually read the same blogs time and again that infuriate me. Most of it is out of boredom and having nothing better to do, so I might as well read something. Instead of getting different perspectives and interesting debate, I get catchphrases and agreeable comments by people who are seemingly brainwashed. I read words and paragraphs that don’t even make sense. Layman’s terms would be nice, please. But then again, people would just think I’m uneducated.
People make too big of a deal over the stupidist stuff. At least in my opinion. But then again, who am I to judge what is stupid or not. I only have my own perspective.
I find myself editing and re-editing this post as I type it. Because I don’t want to be exposed as being a bitch. It’s not something I’m proud of. I just wish I knew how to diffuse the ticking time bomb inside of me.
What am I going to do, blow up at someone because they can’t fucking spell? Some things are just not worth it. I know how to pick my battles. Or just opt not to pick any. I’ve been told many times throughout my life that I’m too nice.
The funny fact is that I don’t seem to be doing myself any huge favors by being the nice girl. It’s not like my affable nature has won me fame and fortune. Pompous, egotistical opportunists seem to get ahead. Not necessarily the person who is kind and works hard.
And yes, I’m jealous about it. Everyone has been jealous of someone at some point in their lives. Human nature.
I’m sick of censoring myself for fear of offending someone. But what can I do? On any given day, I have an opinion or thought that is too liberal, too conservative, too uninformed, too misinformed…fuck it all. In real life I don’t talk about much else than superficial fluff. I don’t know what else I can do, though. It’s not worth it to disagree.
I’m not perfect. The nice guy doesn’t always win. I am living proof.
And I’m so fucking angry.