Today was a very rough day. I was driving the BF to work, as usual, and I almost hit someone while making a left turn. My car’s structure, in terms of the shape and the frame around the windshield, lends itself to a lot of blind spots. Add that to the fact that I’m just so tired and probably was not paying that great attention…well, that’s what happens. Trust me, I am by NO MEANS trying to make excuses; it’s just what went down.
What was worse was that I was very close to home. Plus, where this happened was just up the road from where my boyfriend was hit by a car earlier this year. So I pretty much freaked out. I was shaking and crying and made it down the rest of the hill and to where he works, then I pulled into the parking lot and lost it. I was shaking and crying and nearly threw up a few times. How could I be so careless and so stupid?
I tried to pull myself together to go to work, but it was impossible. The guilt and shame and pure terror of it all was just too much. My boyfriend offered to drive me to work, and I nearly took him up on it. But I just could not pull it together, and I ended up calling out. I explained what happened, and apologized profusely. I had a few things going on today, and they got taken care of by my coworkers, for which I am very grateful, but also feel very guilty about. As if I totally dropped the ball on the day. Add guilt on top of guilt and you get a very, very messed up MeredithElaine.
Eric was a godsend. He took care of me. He rubbed my back, kissed me and held me close. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I said over and over again. I was sorry for nearly getting us into a horrible situation; I was sorry for him having to take care of me in the aftermath. He told me it was okay. He said he forgave me and told me he loved and that he’d take care of me forever and always.
I cried and cried and cried. I’ve had the shakes most of today. I slept until about noon. I’ve spent today chain-smoking and just laying low. I’m trying to forgive myself, but it’s hard.
Another terrible symptom of pushing myself too hard. Exhaustion and being out of it. Too much on the plate. Helping out when I probably shouldn’t. Not being able to say no. All these things add up to just trying to coast on by, run your life on auto-pilot, and that’s when disaster can (almost) occur.
I’ll be going to bed early tonight, to rest up before the last day of this workweek.
Any suggestions of what I can do to make my rest more beneficial? Any suggestions of how to increase my memory, my alertness and just my all-around-with-it-ness? Do I need Ginko Biloba?